complaints department

To Mr. E. Bunny,

Let me begin by thanking you for all your years of hard work and dedication to your job. I fondly remember being a child and thoroughly enjoying your holiday (which will not be referenced by name, to protect your anonymity). I mean, what's not to love about a day entirely devoted to candy? That being said, I'd like to offer some constructive criticism regarding your handling of this year's holiday in particular.

First, while recommending we reuse last years um... "candy vessels" was both frugal and environmentally responsible of you, you might have wanted to mention that said vessels were buried in the attic under an entire year's worth of junk- I mean, memories, as this may have caused us to rethink our decision and just spend the five frickin' dollars on new ones. Also, you may have wanted to mention the location of the "candy vessels" prior to 11:30 the night before your holiday; this, as you may have guessed, was the time we realized we would either A) have to get our tired arses in the attic and start digging or B) tell our kids that you did a really good job of hiding the "candy vessels" this year and they would just have to look harder. Fortunately, we chose the latter. Former! Sorry, we chose the former. Of course, because we're good parents. Really. It's just that I get those two confused.

Second, you might have wanted to point out to a tired and ill Mommy that while she did indeed buy candy for the kids earlier in the week, she had not bought any that was actually small enough to fit inside the "candy vessels" which were now dusted off (and in some cases emptied out- ewww) and ready to be filled. This would have saved the children from the (hopefully not permanently scarring) horror of opening their "candy vessels" in the morning and finding... raisins and Goldfish crackers. ('Cause nothin' says fun like dried fruit and stale crackers.) And again, letting us in on that little fact at a time when most stores were open would have been quite considerate of you.

Lastly, I understand why your holiday has so much to do with rebirth- spring, Jesus and all that, but really, whose idea was it to boil dozens of eggs? Because did I mention this Mommy's not in her best form lately, and the smell of all those eggs was great for my stomach. Really.

In conclusion, I'd like to thank you once again for all your hard work. I know it must be difficult to be you. You are expected to work one whole day a year after all. I can see where that would take a lot out of a giant bunny. But, hey, I'm not judging! I'm just saying that in the future a little help would be appreciated. Because really, I'd hate to have to tell a certain someone to put you on his 'Naughty' list.